first time's a charm

I am pregnant, according to a home test I took last night and this morning. I am stunned, shocked, cautiously optimistic and basically in kind of a fog. Each day it seems I feel a new emotion.

The whole story of how I became in the "family way" is really quite ironic. The hubs and I, began having "date night" the weekend of June 19. I decided that every Sunday night, we should watch a movie and go to bed early and focus on kickstarting our love life that had been getting nearly non-existent since our son was born 2 years ago. I figured Sunday night is good because it starts the week off, well, with a bang. :)

Anyhoo, when you've been always struggled with infertility and you're out of practice, uh, you tend to forget things. Like, birth control. So we have date night and the following week our son was sick and the following week I was so tired and lightheaded I went to bed early. I started feeling more and more lightheaded, my appetite disappeared completely, and the things I like best--like my mom's chocolate chip cookies--I had no desire to eat. The familiar mild nausea set in. And a few days of this, combined with the fact that my period hadn't shown up made me realize that the ONE time that we got intimate, actually could have knocked me up.According to the calendar I'm 5 weeks along.

To be honest, my first reaction wasn't elation or excitement. i was actually like, "i don't want this! I have no job, my husband barely has a job! my 2 year old wears me out! How can I be sleep deprived again?" I remembered the hassle of breastfeeding, cringed at how small the house is, worried how I could possibly handle it all.

Then, I started to accept it, feel fortunate, think abut redecorating, about how great a big brother my son will be, and if our son is any indication, that our second child will be beautiful and smart and sweet and anther truly lovable being. I've started pulling out my pregnancy books. I made my first dr's visit.

And just as I've started to feel happy, I also feel scared. Every little thing is making me nervous--like the fact that I haven't been nauseous at all today and that I have a slight backache and some cramps. I've nearly convinced myself that I'm going to miscarry. That because I'm older there could be problems. I'm irritable and ridiculously sensitive and want to cry if someone looks at me wrong. I just want to get thru to the dr's appt on july 20, make sure everything is ok and get thru the scary part f the first semester without a hitch and then i will shout from the rooftops. But for now, i hope and pray and walk on eggshells.