Yay!

The other day I popped into one of my favorite spots in NYC--Ricky's. I was looking for some kind of styling creme--when I was at my best friend's house in Cali, she had some kind of Bumble & Bumble thing that seemed to really work wonders on my "sometimes I'm curly, sometimes I'm frizzy" hair. I haven't been good about keeping my hair appointments, you know, with the no job thing and the crawling-almost-walking infant too care for, so my hair has been more unkempt than any time in my life (except maybe when I first hit puberty and the frizz was on high alert. I was reminded of this horror when an old classmate of mine posted my senior prom photo on Facebook, but I digress.)

Anyhoo, I didn't find the Bumble & Bumble stuff, but I saw this shelf, littered with all these articles and photos of Halle Berry and how she uses and loves this brand called "Mixed Chicks". It's not the sexiest name for a company, but anything Halle Berry loves makes me look at it twice, so I decided to give it a try and support my fellow multi-culti entrepreneurs. [I guess I'm not really an entrepreneur yet, but, whatever. Technicalities.] I got the "Leave-in Conditioner" and it's actually brilliant. I LOVE it. It is light, not greasy, doesn't dry and make my curls hard or give me flaky scalp. I definitely want to try the other products. The only thing I'm a little confused about is Halle said she loved the "tropical scent". The conditioner stuff I bought has no real scent to speak of, which actually, isn't that bad. However, it's almost summer and a little "tropical scent" might be nice. But I'm a satisfied customer and I urge all my curly-haired sisters of every hue to give it a shot. However, the be sure to go to www.mixedchicks.net as the dot com URL is a porn site. I made that most unfortunate discovery the first time I searched.

peace love & hair grease.

could i?

so, ever since trevor was about 5 minutes old, i've been inundated with people asking if i'm going to have another child. i'm not even kidding. on my first post-baby appointment with my ob [that first appointment is somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks, so it's pretty damn soon], she asked me, 'how long do you plan on breastfeeding this child? because you probably won't get pregnant breastfeeding.' ok, my ob is kind of an acquired taste, we'll get to that another time, but basically, she said, as i sat there completely dazed from lack of sleep, with sore boobs and strange hormones pulsing through my system, that i should start trying AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
she cocked her head and looked at my chart. "i mean, you are 39 years old."
like i didn't know.
all this year, as trevor has grown into a gorgeous, happy little boy, everyone from his pediatrician to his hairstylist [yes, he has a hairstylist, that's another story too], to grandparents on both sides, to people i meet in the supermarket ask, "so, are you going to have another one?"

the answer for me, honestly, is not that simple. i struggle with it. probably because i struggle just trying to keep up with trevor. i can't imagine being even more tired. i'm not sure i want to subject my breasts to more trauma, even though i love breastfeeding. i can't imagine trying to fly with two, or even taking the subway for that matter. and how will i afford daycare and schools? i don't even have a career to speak of at the moment.


these species of fuschias are called "bursting hearts."

and here's the really hard part: can i love another kid the way i love trevor? would that second kid always feel second? how can my heart stretch that much? and if i love another kid as much, will i just be all loved out and never, ever sleep? am i prepared to worry twice as much? and what if this new kid is even more amazing than trevor? how will trevor react? am i just weird or do other parents think these things?

i know the argument is that it's good for the kid, they have built-in playmates, they learn to share, it's easier when the hubs and i get old and sick. but...

i'm an only child. i don't know much about sibling dynamics. and i never felt cheated by not having siblings, never missed it, never felt jealous of my friends with brothers or sisters.
so i wonder about this all the time. like do parents have favorites and do kids know? my husband, who has an older sister, isn't much help. he and his sister are not particularly close and it's clear to me, and maybe to her too [and that's maybe why they aren't close] that their mom favors him. anyways, i just wonder if i'm really equipped to be more than a parent of an only child. at least i know how that works.

so as trevor approaches his first birthday and i approach my 40th, it weighs heavy on my mind. i'm just not sure.

good day.

yesterday when i was in the shower, i couldn't remember the last time i washed my hair.

while sleep deprivation is the reality we all hear about, my issue is my utter lack of grooming. of course, that is a direct result of sleep deprivation. but i find sometimes an entire day goes by and i realize, as i'm giving the baby a bath, that i haven't even looked in the mirror all day.

thankfully, the short haircut pretty much looks the same whether i style it or not, but my skin is a mess, it's all splotchy and weird-looking, i have permanent raccoon eyes, and my hands are so dry they are literally peeling.

so i've decided to re-implement some kind of beauty routine into my day. it's harder now because i don't always get up, shower or dress every day at the same time. but i'm about to be 40 and if i don't start now, i might actually start looking my age. and that would suck.

to party or not?

so now that i'm unsick, i have lots to think about. i am back in physical therapy for my hip. this time, i am going to a new place--recommended by both my gyno and my orthopedist. they finally seem to have a plan to make me pain-free without surgery, so i'm going to give it a shot while i still have paid insurance. i can already tell it's making a difference. the other pt i had--while i loved her as a person--just seemed to make everything worse. i actually feel good when i leave this place. so wish me luck on that.
but i also need to figure out if i'm going to throw trevor a first birthday party. and if i do, how big should it be? should it just be for kids and their parents or for friends of the family as well? my 40th is also the same month, so do we have a joint party while he doesn't expect his own? do i have it at our house or try to scramble to find a kid-safe place?
hard to know. suggestions appreciated!

daily delish

as some of my facebook friends know, i'm a huge fan of japanese, limited edition kit kat bars. so far, i have sampled the green tea kit kat, the yuzu kit kat, the blueberry and strawberry cheesecake kit kats and the sweet potato sesame. i recently ordered the new tiramisu series from my favorite japanese website and have to say, the tiramisu flavor is absolutely out of this world. it is running neck and neck with my all-time favorite, the super limited green tea.
it has a very subtle, complex flavor. you can taste the coffee, the cinnamon and the chocolate, and the coating is a creamy vanilla. it's a great little snack with a cup of coffee or tea.

in a funk.

well, i am finally starting to feel better physically. now i need to work on getting better emotionally. i'm sure i'm cranky because a)i've been cooped up in the house for a week, b)the weather has been crappy and c)i'm unemployed and directionless.

i had a two day consultant job in february which has gotten my unemployment benefits all screwed up and now i have to get a statement from this company saying i'm not employed by them full-time.. i also had to fill out all these forms to say i don't have an incorporated business and answer a survey about exactly what my "self employment" is. of course they provided a fax number which is out of service and specifically said "do not call us", so i'm kind of screwed. i'm glad i have my severance because if i was dependent on these checks i'd be really in bad shape. welcome home to new york.

when i first got back last week, i felt pretty positive and optimistic. even after dealing with the whole family having the stomach flu, and a stressful return flight, i got back thinking, 'ok, i may not love living in new york, but i can make the best of it for now and just figure out a plan that is good for trevor.' but then i got sick again, got stuck in the house, the weather went dark and dreary, the husband seemed to get annoyed by the fact i wasn't recovering, the m-i-l behaved as if i was faking my illness, and it just all put me in a funk.

california was such a refreshing change of pace for all of us. yes, my mother irritated the hubs and there's basically no future for a warm and fuzzy relationship between them, and yes, things are easier when there is always an extra hand to watch the baby, but the air was so clear, the sun so warm, the sky--so big. trevor learned to say "bird" becuase he actually saw some.

it was a lot easier to get things done because we could just pop him in the car and drive 5 minutes. and when we got to our location, there were actual parking lots! the stimulation was great for him, and it was great for me to be around some of my oldest friends. they made me feel so loved and so missed.

but the reality for me is: i own a house here in new york. i have great business contacts here and when the economy does turn around, the opportunities are greater here. if i really wanted a job, i would just have to hustle super hard and i'd probably find something--even if it was just freelance. my husband has a job here. he also needs to live near an international airport where he can do his traveling jobs. his family is here. so, for now, i have to make do. i have to stop feeling "trapped" and "stuck" or else i'll never get past this. i just wish i knew where to start.

i am slowly starting to feel better. what a monster this cold is! i guess it's a good sign that i feel like a spigot. guess that means the cold is draining. but what a pain! my eyes consistently water, my nose runs, i have this annoyingly itchy cough and i feel floaty as if i'm living underwater. the sore throat is better, but now it's all itchy and stuff. i just want to be well! i have spring cleaning to do, a job to find and a first birthday to plan! i hate this!

another thing i hate is baby formula.[how's that for a truly bizarre segue?] after a few months back at work [before i got laid off], i had to start supplementing trevor with a bottle of formula here and there. then came the really unpleasant nipple cyst, that made nursing on one side an exercise in pain tolerance. then i went away for a few days to germany for a gig and the bottle, and formula, became his mainstay. [if i nurse, it's only once a day--more just to comfort and bond with him, not to actually feed him.] he is nearly 11 months old now and i'm counting down the days until i can introduce cow's milk. i'm sick of the formula smell, the bottles, all the cleaning and how much room it takes up on the counter, how it makes his poop dark and hard like rabbit pellets. i'm sick of reading about how they keep finding weird chemicals in it.

so, starting this weekend, the month-long countdown to a formula-free house begins. i am currently auditioning sippy cups. so far i like the foogo--though once i put formula in it and it's smelled horrid ever since--and i just got some gerber soft tops, which seem fine, if a bit flimsy. if anyone has a favorite cup for a transitioning baby, let me know. and i promise to write more about the trip when this cold clears up!

there's so much i want to write about my trip and the feelings i had about returning home, and the hopes and dreams i have for trevor, but i am still under the weather. will write soon.

6 things I learned on my trip

1. If possible, buy the extra airplane seat and bring the carseat on. And get the Go Go Kidz roller.

2. As a rule, fly out first thing in the morning. And arrive at the airport early.

3. Nursing, bottle, or pacifier definitely helps on take off and landing.

4. People, for the most part, are really helpful and sweet when they see you struggling with an infant.

5. Babies will constantly amaze you with their resilience.

6. You will amaze yourself with your resilience.

I also would like to thank all my mommy friends [and a few daddies] who gave me such thoughtful advice.