in a funk.

well, i am finally starting to feel better physically. now i need to work on getting better emotionally. i'm sure i'm cranky because a)i've been cooped up in the house for a week, b)the weather has been crappy and c)i'm unemployed and directionless.

i had a two day consultant job in february which has gotten my unemployment benefits all screwed up and now i have to get a statement from this company saying i'm not employed by them full-time.. i also had to fill out all these forms to say i don't have an incorporated business and answer a survey about exactly what my "self employment" is. of course they provided a fax number which is out of service and specifically said "do not call us", so i'm kind of screwed. i'm glad i have my severance because if i was dependent on these checks i'd be really in bad shape. welcome home to new york.

when i first got back last week, i felt pretty positive and optimistic. even after dealing with the whole family having the stomach flu, and a stressful return flight, i got back thinking, 'ok, i may not love living in new york, but i can make the best of it for now and just figure out a plan that is good for trevor.' but then i got sick again, got stuck in the house, the weather went dark and dreary, the husband seemed to get annoyed by the fact i wasn't recovering, the m-i-l behaved as if i was faking my illness, and it just all put me in a funk.

california was such a refreshing change of pace for all of us. yes, my mother irritated the hubs and there's basically no future for a warm and fuzzy relationship between them, and yes, things are easier when there is always an extra hand to watch the baby, but the air was so clear, the sun so warm, the sky--so big. trevor learned to say "bird" becuase he actually saw some.

it was a lot easier to get things done because we could just pop him in the car and drive 5 minutes. and when we got to our location, there were actual parking lots! the stimulation was great for him, and it was great for me to be around some of my oldest friends. they made me feel so loved and so missed.

but the reality for me is: i own a house here in new york. i have great business contacts here and when the economy does turn around, the opportunities are greater here. if i really wanted a job, i would just have to hustle super hard and i'd probably find something--even if it was just freelance. my husband has a job here. he also needs to live near an international airport where he can do his traveling jobs. his family is here. so, for now, i have to make do. i have to stop feeling "trapped" and "stuck" or else i'll never get past this. i just wish i knew where to start.