could i?

so, ever since trevor was about 5 minutes old, i've been inundated with people asking if i'm going to have another child. i'm not even kidding. on my first post-baby appointment with my ob [that first appointment is somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks, so it's pretty damn soon], she asked me, 'how long do you plan on breastfeeding this child? because you probably won't get pregnant breastfeeding.' ok, my ob is kind of an acquired taste, we'll get to that another time, but basically, she said, as i sat there completely dazed from lack of sleep, with sore boobs and strange hormones pulsing through my system, that i should start trying AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
she cocked her head and looked at my chart. "i mean, you are 39 years old."
like i didn't know.
all this year, as trevor has grown into a gorgeous, happy little boy, everyone from his pediatrician to his hairstylist [yes, he has a hairstylist, that's another story too], to grandparents on both sides, to people i meet in the supermarket ask, "so, are you going to have another one?"

the answer for me, honestly, is not that simple. i struggle with it. probably because i struggle just trying to keep up with trevor. i can't imagine being even more tired. i'm not sure i want to subject my breasts to more trauma, even though i love breastfeeding. i can't imagine trying to fly with two, or even taking the subway for that matter. and how will i afford daycare and schools? i don't even have a career to speak of at the moment.


these species of fuschias are called "bursting hearts."

and here's the really hard part: can i love another kid the way i love trevor? would that second kid always feel second? how can my heart stretch that much? and if i love another kid as much, will i just be all loved out and never, ever sleep? am i prepared to worry twice as much? and what if this new kid is even more amazing than trevor? how will trevor react? am i just weird or do other parents think these things?

i know the argument is that it's good for the kid, they have built-in playmates, they learn to share, it's easier when the hubs and i get old and sick. but...

i'm an only child. i don't know much about sibling dynamics. and i never felt cheated by not having siblings, never missed it, never felt jealous of my friends with brothers or sisters.
so i wonder about this all the time. like do parents have favorites and do kids know? my husband, who has an older sister, isn't much help. he and his sister are not particularly close and it's clear to me, and maybe to her too [and that's maybe why they aren't close] that their mom favors him. anyways, i just wonder if i'm really equipped to be more than a parent of an only child. at least i know how that works.

so as trevor approaches his first birthday and i approach my 40th, it weighs heavy on my mind. i'm just not sure.