Limbo

So we officially have a toddler on our hands. He is walking more and more and mimics words and is showing a huge personality. We have begun the mealtime tug-o-war--me trying to coax him to eat, he throwing whatever it is on the floor. I was so exasperated by that and the fact that the pediatrician told me he was underweight, that I sent a panicked email to my best friend begging for reassurance that I wasn't bound for family court.
She answered with a loving, lengthy, thought-out email which made me breathe easier. Today we tried some wheat toast with hummus for a snack which actually went ok as long as he was feeding himself, thank you very much. For lunch we'll try some organic "O" pasta with tomato and cheese and if that goes splat, we'll have Grandma's meatballs ready. It's really a challenge trying to figure out what to feed this kid, kind of makes you miss the "old" days of him just being excited to try applesauce.
My current dilemma besides the feeding, is how to approach the prospect of working again. I loathe the idea of pounding the pavement, yet I have to admit as delightful as my son is, I get bored at home. Not bored with him, just bored with the house and the neighborhood and feeling like there's no place to go. I hate that there's no real structure to my day. I feel like I was much more organized when I was working, even though I was far more exhausted and by Wednesday night, I was feeling like I hadn't seen Trevor at all.
I have a potential opportunity as a blogger for a new venture, which sounds really exciting, thought I honestly have NO idea how I'll get anything done working at home with my husband [who also works at home] and trying to keep and eye on the baby. [I started this post over 4 hours ago. I got 2 paragraphs done during naptime, then have been watching the baby this whole time. He's currently walking around throwing things down the stairs and I stop every 5 minutes to make sure he isn't eating stuff off the floor or getting his fingers caught in drawers. I will soon have to start dinner, so who knows when I can get this up. Meanwhile, Trevor's favorite song is on repeat on the Ipod downstairs and it's driving me crazy because I can't get down there to turn it off. Now he's poking his finger in my belly button. Oh, that was 3 hours ago. He's finally in bed--totally too late--and I am trying to finish this post before bed.]
The job opportunity probably won't, at least til maybe the fall, pay enough for me to afford daycare. Plus I would only really need daycare part-time and those slots seem hard to come by. All very puzzling and kind of overwhelming. I wish I was tougher and more focused. I drive myself crazy.

I like.

Apologies for being so delinquent about posting, my goal has been to post a few times a week. I went through a really grouchy phase--the 7 days of dark rainy weather a few weeks back didn't help--and then there were all the events this month--Mother's Day, Trev's first birthday, my birthday, our wedding anniversary and the culmination of it all--our joint birthday party.

The weather has finally started to become agreeable and we're not as stir crazy. Trev is walking and sleeping well, the hubs and I had date night, and my physical therapy is going well. So things are looking up. Even in talks for a job, so that's great, though it's a work from home job and that will prove difficult as it's already hard for the hubs and I to be home together all day every day. So we'll see.

I have a lot I want to talk about, but my carpal tunnel is terrible today, so I will just post some stuff I've discovered that I'm excited about. Both I found at Target.

1. Recycled Aluminum Foil.

This seems like a total no-brainer, not sure why it took so long to get on the market. But I think it's awesome.

2. Huggies Pure & Natural Diapers


I've always like Pampers Cruisers, but they are scented--which annoys me and irritates Trevor--and they have all kinds of prints on them that show through clothes and smell, well, inky. Seventh Generation was great when he was a baby, but now that Trevor is more active, I've had major leak issues. We switched full-time to Huggies Supreme a few months back, and have been happy except for the stiffness and weird inky smell. I saw these the other day and picked them up and they are the best!
No scent, super soft, fit more like Pampers [snug and not too high] and have only a faint print. On Diapers.com a mega pack is $21.99 for 46 diapers, [size 4], while the same size Seventh Gen diapers are $10.99 for 30. So, I guess the Huggies are pretty pricey. Booo. But, I highly recommend them to anyone who likes the Cruisers but would like a more hypo-allergenic, fragrance-free diaper. Huggies sends me lots of coupons, so I'll just use them for these.

I have my body back [sort of].

It has been almost a week since Trevor has attempted to nurse. I dare say he is weaned, and pretty much weaned himself on his own. I was still happy to nurse once a day or so, then it became every other day and then this week, with the regular drinking of cow's milk, he just, well, lost interest in me. He would nurse and then cry like, "this isn't doing it for me anymore!" So, I just stopped trying. When he's upset, I just hold him and talk to him. If he seems like he's overtired and due to feed, I give him a bottle and cradle him, and he's out like a light. It's weird, but not bad. And he seems perfectly happy.
We were at the pediatrician's yesterday for some shots--I started him with shots at 4 months instead of 2 and so we are trying to get him up to speed now--and she asked me if I was having any issues with him being weaned. Was I sad, did I miss it or feel bad?
I have to say, I feel fine. I think it's great that he knew when he was ready and I didn't force anything on him or deny him the comfort he really seemed to enjoy. I like that he's more cuddly all of a sudden. He likes to just flop on his back and lie next to me, give me hugs, kisses, snuggle more. He doesn't have that sad, desperate look like "please mommy, please, I am so upset, I need boobs!" anymore. He likes his bottle, actually asks for it, "Ba ba? Ba ba?" It's cute, even though of course I'd like him to drink out of sippy cups more so than ba ba's, but it's cool. He'll get to that eventually.
I guess I will miss having the ability to breastfeed, as my bff says "in my back pocket", but I see that now I can comfort T in other ways. I like that he looks at me more, wants to be with me and hang out and play and he's not always tugging at my shirt. I like that I can wear normal bras that actually provide some modicum of support and that this really painful nursing blister/cyst is finally healed.
So... this could be premature, but I think that's it. We're done.

Yay!

The other day I popped into one of my favorite spots in NYC--Ricky's. I was looking for some kind of styling creme--when I was at my best friend's house in Cali, she had some kind of Bumble & Bumble thing that seemed to really work wonders on my "sometimes I'm curly, sometimes I'm frizzy" hair. I haven't been good about keeping my hair appointments, you know, with the no job thing and the crawling-almost-walking infant too care for, so my hair has been more unkempt than any time in my life (except maybe when I first hit puberty and the frizz was on high alert. I was reminded of this horror when an old classmate of mine posted my senior prom photo on Facebook, but I digress.)

Anyhoo, I didn't find the Bumble & Bumble stuff, but I saw this shelf, littered with all these articles and photos of Halle Berry and how she uses and loves this brand called "Mixed Chicks". It's not the sexiest name for a company, but anything Halle Berry loves makes me look at it twice, so I decided to give it a try and support my fellow multi-culti entrepreneurs. [I guess I'm not really an entrepreneur yet, but, whatever. Technicalities.] I got the "Leave-in Conditioner" and it's actually brilliant. I LOVE it. It is light, not greasy, doesn't dry and make my curls hard or give me flaky scalp. I definitely want to try the other products. The only thing I'm a little confused about is Halle said she loved the "tropical scent". The conditioner stuff I bought has no real scent to speak of, which actually, isn't that bad. However, it's almost summer and a little "tropical scent" might be nice. But I'm a satisfied customer and I urge all my curly-haired sisters of every hue to give it a shot. However, the be sure to go to www.mixedchicks.net as the dot com URL is a porn site. I made that most unfortunate discovery the first time I searched.

peace love & hair grease.

could i?

so, ever since trevor was about 5 minutes old, i've been inundated with people asking if i'm going to have another child. i'm not even kidding. on my first post-baby appointment with my ob [that first appointment is somewhere between 2 and 4 weeks, so it's pretty damn soon], she asked me, 'how long do you plan on breastfeeding this child? because you probably won't get pregnant breastfeeding.' ok, my ob is kind of an acquired taste, we'll get to that another time, but basically, she said, as i sat there completely dazed from lack of sleep, with sore boobs and strange hormones pulsing through my system, that i should start trying AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
she cocked her head and looked at my chart. "i mean, you are 39 years old."
like i didn't know.
all this year, as trevor has grown into a gorgeous, happy little boy, everyone from his pediatrician to his hairstylist [yes, he has a hairstylist, that's another story too], to grandparents on both sides, to people i meet in the supermarket ask, "so, are you going to have another one?"

the answer for me, honestly, is not that simple. i struggle with it. probably because i struggle just trying to keep up with trevor. i can't imagine being even more tired. i'm not sure i want to subject my breasts to more trauma, even though i love breastfeeding. i can't imagine trying to fly with two, or even taking the subway for that matter. and how will i afford daycare and schools? i don't even have a career to speak of at the moment.


these species of fuschias are called "bursting hearts."

and here's the really hard part: can i love another kid the way i love trevor? would that second kid always feel second? how can my heart stretch that much? and if i love another kid as much, will i just be all loved out and never, ever sleep? am i prepared to worry twice as much? and what if this new kid is even more amazing than trevor? how will trevor react? am i just weird or do other parents think these things?

i know the argument is that it's good for the kid, they have built-in playmates, they learn to share, it's easier when the hubs and i get old and sick. but...

i'm an only child. i don't know much about sibling dynamics. and i never felt cheated by not having siblings, never missed it, never felt jealous of my friends with brothers or sisters.
so i wonder about this all the time. like do parents have favorites and do kids know? my husband, who has an older sister, isn't much help. he and his sister are not particularly close and it's clear to me, and maybe to her too [and that's maybe why they aren't close] that their mom favors him. anyways, i just wonder if i'm really equipped to be more than a parent of an only child. at least i know how that works.

so as trevor approaches his first birthday and i approach my 40th, it weighs heavy on my mind. i'm just not sure.

good day.

yesterday when i was in the shower, i couldn't remember the last time i washed my hair.

while sleep deprivation is the reality we all hear about, my issue is my utter lack of grooming. of course, that is a direct result of sleep deprivation. but i find sometimes an entire day goes by and i realize, as i'm giving the baby a bath, that i haven't even looked in the mirror all day.

thankfully, the short haircut pretty much looks the same whether i style it or not, but my skin is a mess, it's all splotchy and weird-looking, i have permanent raccoon eyes, and my hands are so dry they are literally peeling.

so i've decided to re-implement some kind of beauty routine into my day. it's harder now because i don't always get up, shower or dress every day at the same time. but i'm about to be 40 and if i don't start now, i might actually start looking my age. and that would suck.

to party or not?

so now that i'm unsick, i have lots to think about. i am back in physical therapy for my hip. this time, i am going to a new place--recommended by both my gyno and my orthopedist. they finally seem to have a plan to make me pain-free without surgery, so i'm going to give it a shot while i still have paid insurance. i can already tell it's making a difference. the other pt i had--while i loved her as a person--just seemed to make everything worse. i actually feel good when i leave this place. so wish me luck on that.
but i also need to figure out if i'm going to throw trevor a first birthday party. and if i do, how big should it be? should it just be for kids and their parents or for friends of the family as well? my 40th is also the same month, so do we have a joint party while he doesn't expect his own? do i have it at our house or try to scramble to find a kid-safe place?
hard to know. suggestions appreciated!

daily delish

as some of my facebook friends know, i'm a huge fan of japanese, limited edition kit kat bars. so far, i have sampled the green tea kit kat, the yuzu kit kat, the blueberry and strawberry cheesecake kit kats and the sweet potato sesame. i recently ordered the new tiramisu series from my favorite japanese website and have to say, the tiramisu flavor is absolutely out of this world. it is running neck and neck with my all-time favorite, the super limited green tea.
it has a very subtle, complex flavor. you can taste the coffee, the cinnamon and the chocolate, and the coating is a creamy vanilla. it's a great little snack with a cup of coffee or tea.

in a funk.

well, i am finally starting to feel better physically. now i need to work on getting better emotionally. i'm sure i'm cranky because a)i've been cooped up in the house for a week, b)the weather has been crappy and c)i'm unemployed and directionless.

i had a two day consultant job in february which has gotten my unemployment benefits all screwed up and now i have to get a statement from this company saying i'm not employed by them full-time.. i also had to fill out all these forms to say i don't have an incorporated business and answer a survey about exactly what my "self employment" is. of course they provided a fax number which is out of service and specifically said "do not call us", so i'm kind of screwed. i'm glad i have my severance because if i was dependent on these checks i'd be really in bad shape. welcome home to new york.

when i first got back last week, i felt pretty positive and optimistic. even after dealing with the whole family having the stomach flu, and a stressful return flight, i got back thinking, 'ok, i may not love living in new york, but i can make the best of it for now and just figure out a plan that is good for trevor.' but then i got sick again, got stuck in the house, the weather went dark and dreary, the husband seemed to get annoyed by the fact i wasn't recovering, the m-i-l behaved as if i was faking my illness, and it just all put me in a funk.

california was such a refreshing change of pace for all of us. yes, my mother irritated the hubs and there's basically no future for a warm and fuzzy relationship between them, and yes, things are easier when there is always an extra hand to watch the baby, but the air was so clear, the sun so warm, the sky--so big. trevor learned to say "bird" becuase he actually saw some.

it was a lot easier to get things done because we could just pop him in the car and drive 5 minutes. and when we got to our location, there were actual parking lots! the stimulation was great for him, and it was great for me to be around some of my oldest friends. they made me feel so loved and so missed.

but the reality for me is: i own a house here in new york. i have great business contacts here and when the economy does turn around, the opportunities are greater here. if i really wanted a job, i would just have to hustle super hard and i'd probably find something--even if it was just freelance. my husband has a job here. he also needs to live near an international airport where he can do his traveling jobs. his family is here. so, for now, i have to make do. i have to stop feeling "trapped" and "stuck" or else i'll never get past this. i just wish i knew where to start.

i am slowly starting to feel better. what a monster this cold is! i guess it's a good sign that i feel like a spigot. guess that means the cold is draining. but what a pain! my eyes consistently water, my nose runs, i have this annoyingly itchy cough and i feel floaty as if i'm living underwater. the sore throat is better, but now it's all itchy and stuff. i just want to be well! i have spring cleaning to do, a job to find and a first birthday to plan! i hate this!

another thing i hate is baby formula.[how's that for a truly bizarre segue?] after a few months back at work [before i got laid off], i had to start supplementing trevor with a bottle of formula here and there. then came the really unpleasant nipple cyst, that made nursing on one side an exercise in pain tolerance. then i went away for a few days to germany for a gig and the bottle, and formula, became his mainstay. [if i nurse, it's only once a day--more just to comfort and bond with him, not to actually feed him.] he is nearly 11 months old now and i'm counting down the days until i can introduce cow's milk. i'm sick of the formula smell, the bottles, all the cleaning and how much room it takes up on the counter, how it makes his poop dark and hard like rabbit pellets. i'm sick of reading about how they keep finding weird chemicals in it.

so, starting this weekend, the month-long countdown to a formula-free house begins. i am currently auditioning sippy cups. so far i like the foogo--though once i put formula in it and it's smelled horrid ever since--and i just got some gerber soft tops, which seem fine, if a bit flimsy. if anyone has a favorite cup for a transitioning baby, let me know. and i promise to write more about the trip when this cold clears up!

there's so much i want to write about my trip and the feelings i had about returning home, and the hopes and dreams i have for trevor, but i am still under the weather. will write soon.

6 things I learned on my trip

1. If possible, buy the extra airplane seat and bring the carseat on. And get the Go Go Kidz roller.

2. As a rule, fly out first thing in the morning. And arrive at the airport early.

3. Nursing, bottle, or pacifier definitely helps on take off and landing.

4. People, for the most part, are really helpful and sweet when they see you struggling with an infant.

5. Babies will constantly amaze you with their resilience.

6. You will amaze yourself with your resilience.

I also would like to thank all my mommy friends [and a few daddies] who gave me such thoughtful advice.

flrst flight

Before I had my son, I used to scoff at those who warned, "travel now. When you have children, you can't go anywhere." As someone who is forever planning my next trip, I figured parenthood would not change me at all. I saw myself as an intrepid explorer, with the baby strapped on by back, effortlessly navigating subways and airports. I would keep my yearly date at my Jamaican getaway, pursue plans to visit Japan, and make more visits to my friends and family in California.

But my son, with his cherubic cheeks and devilish smile, is a howler. He actually can scream until he is blue in the face. Born a bit colicky, our first trip to the grocery store was a debacle. He screamed. And screamed. And screamed. My husband decided he'd bolt around the store and shop while I held the baby in an aisle. As he walked away, he started to ask how he'd find me, but then realized the entire store could hear my son and that he'd find us just fine. Until my son was about 5 months, he made any outing--a stroll on a sunny day, a car ride to get take-out, a trip to the pediatricians--dicey. He might be fine, or he might scream bloody murder and make everyone's life Hell.

Needless to say, while he has morphed into a charming 10 month old, I am still a bit of a chicken when it comes to taking him too far from home. Even for short car rides, I overpack. So when I finally decided to take the plunge and take a trip to see the Grandparents in California, I spent weeks agonizing about it.

I consulted every parent I knew, read blogs, read articles, lingered in the "travel" aisle of Babies R Us. Debated whether to take the carseat on the plane or check it, dope him up with Benadryl, buy a "Gogo Kidz" roller, make sure our seats were in the back of the plane. I planned how to spend every hour of the 51/2 hours of the flight.

I packed an "activity bag" and a "diaper/feeding" back as carry ons. I bought new toys and wrapped up old ones--1-2 toys per hour. I brought 3 changes of clothes for him and wore layers that I could take off should I be spit up on. I brought more snacks than I thought we'd need plus more babyfood. A Ziploc bag of medicine. His favorite blanket. Since the seats were so cheap on Jetblue, we bought and extra one and brought the carseat. It felt like I had packed our entire apartment when it was time to go through security, but the folks at JFK took pity on us and were extremely helpful. My husband struggled aboard first with the carseat [the one thing I do wish I had bought was the Gogo Kidz roller. That will be a must next time.], while I gate checked the stroller. I felt like--and probably smelled--like a sweaty mule as I carried the baby and my two heavy bags onto the plane, but people are very nice when they see you lugging a baby around, so I got some help from the flight attendants.

As we slid Trevor into his carseat, he smiled and looked around amusedly. He seemed really ready for the adventure. And you know what? He was a perfect angel the entire flight. He played quietly, slept, smiled at the other passengers and didn't scream once. In fact, even when we all came down with a stomach flu the last day of our vacation and had to delay our flight--and even when that flight was cancelled and we had to leave 2 days later at the break of dawn--he was amazing.

The trip was a hurdle that had filled me with anxiety as a new parent, and now I feel liberated and confident. I am no longer worried about car trips, subway rides, grocery store runs. The bus is a no brainer. And even if the next flight isn't as smooth, I know that we'll make it. Even if it means bringing an entire box of Cheerios along.